A T R A Z E

It's been a long time since the last time I expressed my feeling in this kind of virtual diary, seriously.
Like, I'd been using my diary BOOK but writing on physical paper made me want to press the pen to the surface tightly, even until the ink get through the following pages. Sometimes those kind of things happened (when I got my nerve), so I'd rather to TYPE instead of WRITE this time because I need to express my feelings immediately before those stuffs around my head blew off.

I. CURRENTLY. HATE. BEING. WITH. MY. FRIENDS.
I want to spend my time alone with an amazing novel, while drinking coffee, or maybe just staying in the library (?) the exact thing is that I hate being with those people who always used me as a joke object, I know sometimes it's kind of funny but how can you call it funny when (1) you're not in your comfy mood to do hilarious thing with your friends, (2) your friends knew that you don't like what they did to you, and (3) they CROSSED THE LINE. They saw me angry that day, really. I'm so fed up with them I don't want to talk because they would ask a lot of questions and I'm not planning on explaining the reason I mad.
If you see me mad, just, leave me alone. The way you guys talk to me makes me want to punch each of you in the face. and once I get my mood back, don't.you.ever.try.to.use.me.as.a.joke.object.EVER. and this time, don't laugh. I'm more serious than you ever imagined.
You want to hate me back? Go on because then I know which ones are the fake friends who don't give a shit when a friend of them is on her lowest state. When you don't give a shit means you happy when I'm not around, give a shit means you give me time to recover myself and be there when I'm back.

AND, JUST, DON'T BE HAPPY WHEN I'M SAD, OKAY?
This is the other main reason why I don't wanna be among you, chicks. You laugh when I can't laugh, I have to step back for a moment.

I KNOW I HAVE A BIG EGO, I WANT TO WIN, BUT I'M WORKING ON IT.
I have 80% goal and 20% feeling character, which makes me uncomfortable to be around those who chase for the same goal as I do. I thought having the same character with your friend is magic and destiny, but when it comes to achievement, I will become your rival. Really. I'm a type of hunter. and when we become rivals, remember my words, I CAN'T BE WITH YOU FOR A SORT OF TIME. I will consider you as my enemy, really. Anyway I'm still working on it, you know, to fix things up. I don't want to be this selfish. Just, help me okay? Don't blame me, don't judge, don't suspect me as a guilty person. I hate it, especially when you're in that position I mentioned.
I also distracted by the way someone needs help and then I helped, but when I need help they are not really there eventho they're acting like they regret it or so. I figure out why, why I have to be so idiot since I gave much and got nothing.
Should I be more sincere? and grateful?
I do really need time to think about it, to interrogate myself since I don't like to be interrogated. Just, give me time alone, try another things that might suit my mood. #prayforme
Anyway thanks to my sosling family, you guys are really a massive major mood booster.