A T R A Z E

Sedih banget hari ini dikabarin kalau Pak Lili, supir kantor papa yang udah 5 tahun kerja sama papa masa kontraknya udah abis. Kalau dipikir-pikir kehidupan rumah gue itu isinya selain mama, papa, gue, Iqbal, ya pasti Pak Lili sama Mbak Ana. Pak Lili itu berjasa banget ya walaupun jarang ngobrol asik gitu hahaha tapi dulu waktu gue SMA, gue dianterin SETIAP HARI SENIN-JUMAT berangkat jam 5 subuh dari rumah. 3 TAHUN LOH. CIBUBUR - PASAR MINGGU LOH. Pulangnya juga suka dijemput. Bayangin aja mondar mandir cibubur - jaksel - cijantung (kantor papa) tiap hari. Terus kalo ada apa-apa juga selalu on time. Kalo gue sih suka karena berhubung gue orangnya sering mepet-mepet waktu, pas gue telat tuh Pak Lili selalu bisa ngebut (aman) dan bikin gue gak telat telat amat. Tapi ortu apalagi mama selalu takutan gitu. Terus doi perhatian gitu kalo gue gak dijemput kayak kasian apalagi kalo malem, terus suka nganterin temen-temen gue juga. Terus wawasannya luas gitu tentang rumor Jakarta kek tentang seluk beluk jalan, jadi kalo ngobrol ada aja info baru. Sabar banget juga orangnya dan juga berani kalo ada yang macem2 dijalan hahaha. Jadi sedih...

Terus kemaren Papa bilang kalo mobil KIA rio mau dijual. Bukan mobil gue sih tapi mobil mama. Tapi karena mama gabisa nyetir dan selama ini gue yang selalu bawa ke kampus, gue jadi ngerasa bonding banget sama ini mobil. Nggak sampe gue namain gitu sih mobilnya hahaha. Sedih banget soalnya walaupun murah dan lebih payah dari mobil pengganti yang papa tawarin, eksterior dan interior mobil ini tuh gue udah cinta banget. Gak pasaran. Dari luar aja rearnya udah bagus, bagian belakang hatchingnya oke, pinggirannya gak bikin ilfeel, seksi dan cantik deh dari luar. Interiornya walaupun joknya gak lux gitu, tapi speedometernya keren, di penghalang cahaya mataharinya duaduanya ada kaca!! (gak kaya yaris mahal2 tapi fasilitasnya gitugitu aja.) Banyak hack life gitu deh!! Bagasinya gue juga suka comfort banget, terus lampunya lengkap di depan tengah sama bagasi semua ada ((gak kayak yaris)). Dan!! ada kulkasnya :( di bawah dashboard penumpang. Huft udah kayak rumah kedua deh, soalnya semua barang-barang gue gue taro disitu, jakun bantal kertas-kertas makanan (tapi rapih selalu kok). Gue udah sayang banget sama mobil ini, buktinya stiker yang udah gue simpen-simpen dari lama (National Geographic) akhirnya gue relakan untuk gue tempel di mobil ini. Sedih :(:(

Good bye deh karena nothing lasts forever sebenernya, jadi harus let go. Sedih sih tapi, let go.......

Two posts in a day? It's getting more exciting. The thoughts coming out of my head, running down like fallen drops.

I've been thinking since idk about what will I become, in the next ten years. I basically have a lot of wishes, what I wanna be. I want to be an artist, architect, lawyer, doctor, businesswoman, even the other jobs that may not be proper for daily work. I've never thought I would be in Biology major. It keeps me thinking about the prospects, what will I do after I'm done with all of these college shits. I was thinking about moving to another major, but I concealed it.
Why?
Keep reading.

I was born with creativity (whether I'm too confident or that's amazingly the only reason I survived, but thank God). I always think about another alternative options when I'm stuck on the existing options. When I got the opportunity to be in biology major, I turned my brain upside down, thinking about the possibilities for my future as Bachelor of Science.

I love nature. I really do. When I was 10 years old, I dreamed of writing about nature for my thesis. At first, it's --*
For my-holy-DIY-minded-brain sake, my mind has saved bunch of ideas for making the world a better place by producing some creative solutions throughout the environmental issues occurred in that time (I won't mention them bcs they are really brilliant (won't let anybody steal the ideas) and I'll wait for myself to make it happen but when?!). But what I can say is they are totally out of the box! And yes, back to the topic - I was a bit terrified at the first time I entered the morbid lab with jars of mice's fetuses on every corner. A new friend of mine said, glaring at me, "kalo nggak suka ngapain masuk biologi?" as a first timer, it made me down. But soon I understood what Biology is aside from the morbid jars. They talked about what they called traveling life's secret, saving the nature, and oceans. Parts of Biology I adore. I do become more excited to learn about all of em. Moreover, I get bold conservation principle as I started majoring Biology, which means I am one step ahead to do my dream nature-themed dissertation.

Why do people want to be an architect if their number one reason isn't drawing enthusiasm? You, failed artists, don't have to move out from bio because their practicum assignments on the 2nd year mostly needed a good-skilled hand in drawing! Instead drawing black and white sketches in everyday class of architecture, I can draw detailed animal parts o' body in many different colors, 'cause that's what my life is, creativity with color assortments! I should stay, I know.

To draw like a toddler is not the only thing that keeps me stay in this circumstance. Eventho I am interested to learn more about four dimension in physics, I won't be able to reach NASA as I can't be good at MATH. LOL. Biology is the best choice of science. No explanation.

Since I fond of traveling (even I've never done the real one), a stack of outdoor assignments won't bother me! And it does really work well bcs on the 2nd year, we've been planning to go to Ujung Kulon to do research simulation! Yes, we're not following the find-the-best-spot-to-get-the-best-photo-for-instagram trend, it's gonna be a scientific activities with algae and stuffs and sure we'll get plenty of life knowledge!

At last, engineering and accountants job would fit me physically but won't fit in my heart, what fit in my heart is the effort to make the world greener. Since I was a kid, I'm eager to save the environment with creative ideas and that's what I'm gonna do with my life. That's my purpose in life. Some people said I don't have to be in Biology to be that so called environment activist, but why not? What if I love to learn science and I want to discover the world as a scientist? Perhaps I won't easily earn big number of money from this path but biology is surely a wide scope of knowledge and I'll find the way, maybe I'll make a business in terms of Biology? Or Idc if it's related to Biology or not but at least I'm doing what I love to do in my whole college life, and I'll find the way. What's the function of the creative brain of mine if it's not for looking at opportunities out of the box?

The point is, my dear friends and sisters and brothers, little or big... the world is unlimited, go explore what you want to explore! The time is too limited to spend on pleasing other people who's not affected by your presence.
"I'm 17 and achieve nothing" don't think about you in 17, think about you in 18! What are you gonna do in 18, go write your dreams in the sky! (Well said, Sutter from Spectacular Now!)
It's about your own happiness. Because in the end, (yes, my dear friend) it's only you and God.
When people choose to do travel merely to entertain them aside from their routines, I'd choose to do travel as my routines and doing business aside, as the money generator :p

*--this writing supposed to be published along with the previous one, but it seemed like my phone runs out of battery so I didn't finish it that day therefore when I continue to write today, I forget what I'm going to say earlier -_-

Acknowledgement: I supposed to publish this prior to the final registration of SIMAK UI 2015, as this refers to those who are stuck in the middle of nowhere, seeking for answers and advises, thinking if they should take the opportunity in a major that might not suit their heart, as what exactly happened to me last year.

Yay.

Why do the brain generate rapidly in the midnight?

I often think hard in my own brain, wondering about how different perspectives could lead to different meaning of life.

I was thinking about society. How it has changed and how it changes us. This afternoon I opened my old dusty facebook and scrolled down till I reached year 2009. That's when I found myself was expressed freely, when I got no fear of enemy or people's opinion about me.
No affection.
I got friends from all years. Seniors and juniors. I found myself hugging them, even the one I didn't really get along. I answered their messages kindly, with all respect even when they were being so annoying. I was literally shocked, and disappointed. Is this me, six years ago? Was I this kind? Was I this easy going? Was I this generous?

I currently am 180 degrees different. I have ego. Guess I've lost contact with most of them (not really best friends but was close to me) my seniors, my juniors, where are they now? Is it because of me, being so arrogant lately? Or is it them? I remembered those good talks we made. They came to my house when I was having birthday. They knew how my love life was. That exactly describes how deep our connection was.
And what now? to start a new conversation needs a big struggle. Gengsi, they said. The society has successfully formed some circles among us. We might be in a different circle, that's why. From my perspective, I can say that those circles arranged vertically, if you know what I mean. Whether who's on top or below, we become nothing like mutual. You don't know me anymore, vice versa.

I really want to get along with them again, and I guess someone has to start it first no matter what. Swallow the what-so-called-gengsi, a kind of abstract feeling that is owned by every one of you in the society.

It's been a long time since the last time I expressed my feeling in this kind of virtual diary, seriously.
Like, I'd been using my diary BOOK but writing on physical paper made me want to press the pen to the surface tightly, even until the ink get through the following pages. Sometimes those kind of things happened (when I got my nerve), so I'd rather to TYPE instead of WRITE this time because I need to express my feelings immediately before those stuffs around my head blew off.

I. CURRENTLY. HATE. BEING. WITH. MY. FRIENDS.
I want to spend my time alone with an amazing novel, while drinking coffee, or maybe just staying in the library (?) the exact thing is that I hate being with those people who always used me as a joke object, I know sometimes it's kind of funny but how can you call it funny when (1) you're not in your comfy mood to do hilarious thing with your friends, (2) your friends knew that you don't like what they did to you, and (3) they CROSSED THE LINE. They saw me angry that day, really. I'm so fed up with them I don't want to talk because they would ask a lot of questions and I'm not planning on explaining the reason I mad.
If you see me mad, just, leave me alone. The way you guys talk to me makes me want to punch each of you in the face. and once I get my mood back, don't.you.ever.try.to.use.me.as.a.joke.object.EVER. and this time, don't laugh. I'm more serious than you ever imagined.
You want to hate me back? Go on because then I know which ones are the fake friends who don't give a shit when a friend of them is on her lowest state. When you don't give a shit means you happy when I'm not around, give a shit means you give me time to recover myself and be there when I'm back.

AND, JUST, DON'T BE HAPPY WHEN I'M SAD, OKAY?
This is the other main reason why I don't wanna be among you, chicks. You laugh when I can't laugh, I have to step back for a moment.

I KNOW I HAVE A BIG EGO, I WANT TO WIN, BUT I'M WORKING ON IT.
I have 80% goal and 20% feeling character, which makes me uncomfortable to be around those who chase for the same goal as I do. I thought having the same character with your friend is magic and destiny, but when it comes to achievement, I will become your rival. Really. I'm a type of hunter. and when we become rivals, remember my words, I CAN'T BE WITH YOU FOR A SORT OF TIME. I will consider you as my enemy, really. Anyway I'm still working on it, you know, to fix things up. I don't want to be this selfish. Just, help me okay? Don't blame me, don't judge, don't suspect me as a guilty person. I hate it, especially when you're in that position I mentioned.
I also distracted by the way someone needs help and then I helped, but when I need help they are not really there eventho they're acting like they regret it or so. I figure out why, why I have to be so idiot since I gave much and got nothing.
Should I be more sincere? and grateful?
I do really need time to think about it, to interrogate myself since I don't like to be interrogated. Just, give me time alone, try another things that might suit my mood. #prayforme
Anyway thanks to my sosling family, you guys are really a massive major mood booster.

To: Atika

I know you often feel chocked up most of the time. Studying in Biology major, which is never get through your mind since ever. Biology may be your favorite subject beside Physics, but to be the expert who is gonna study it the whole life? you must be terribly shocked, even until now.

I know you are still regretting about economic major which you left behind, because of its freshman's opportunity to get good salary is bigger than the major you've got into. And you consider it as a necessity because you are forced to get job fast as a responsibility of being the first child.

But have you ever think this may be a destiny for you? You almost undecided choosing science faculty until your mom told you to, and you got that last option (you probably won't got accepted if you didn't). You almost chose physics against biology but she's telling you that biology might suit you (or you will get involved at math, where you bad at). This is your mother's choice and I won't doubt it because she knows what's best for you.

Keep this in your mind; you are an environment-oriented person, and you're always excited when it comes to an idea to make the earth greener. You've always wanted to make something useful for people in environment aspect. The other thing, is that you're an active person who can't keep staying behind the table and doing bored routine like accountants do. You like observing something new, traveling around the magnificent world and finding peace in nature. That's what your instinct have chosen.

I know because I am you. I am your other part that burns your life to flame of spirit. Take this anxious moment as a challenge, because no one reaches success without any failure. Focus on looking for experiences, travel while you are still young,' money can be found everywhere' dad said. You can take master degree in business major later, and get your money from it. Moreover, you will be a woman who is more responsible in taking care your own family. Your parents told you to stay, so stay. Or you will waste your time by moving to another major with full of doubt.

Open your eyes, there are plenty of graces Allah gave you. Focus and don't hear them who judge. Listen to your parents, then you won't get lost. Spirit!

'Experiences are the best assets of life.' - a quote by yourself.

Hi, no one! (Saying this as nobody likely read my blog)

Alhamdulillah sebagai pejuang tulis, gue bersyukur karena bisa keterima di jalur SBMPTN sekaligus SIMAK. Sebenernya pascaSNMPTN gue sempet stres gitu gara2 gue harus ngerombak jurusan yang gue pilih pas daftar undangan karena takut gak keterima lagi. Bokap balik lagi kepengen gue masuk ekonomi, padahal tinggal 2 minggu tes dan dari lama emang gue cuma belajar IPA doang. Gamungkin dong dalam waktu 2 minggu doang gue belajar IPS, lagi pula beresiko juga sama pelajaran IPA yang selama ini gue perdalam. Akhirnya gue menolak dan tetap di jalur IPA, dan gue memutuskan untuk naro SAPPK ITB di pilihan pertama. Arsi ITB emang impian gue sejak sebelum masuk 28, tapi karena satu dan lain hal (pengaruh orang luar) impian itu jadi memudar dan entah kenapa pops lagi di pikiran gue sekarang.
Sebenernya nilai TO gue belum pernah ada yang nyampe passing grade SAPPK ehehe tapi disitu gue semangat aja buat nekat karena didasari minat sih. Pilihan 2 gue taro arsin UI dimana kalo semua TO gue dirata-ratain, itu setara sama passing grade-nya arsin UI. Sesuai saran guru les juga sih (malah harusnya yang rata-rata itu di pilihan pertama). Nah buat pilihan ketiga waktu itu gue pilih psikologi Unpad. Udah tuh. Daftar. Panlok Jakarta Timur. Dapet di Pulo Mas, okesip macet.
Terus gue buru-buru daftar SIMAK juga karena deadlinenya gak jauh dari pendaftaran SBMPTN. NAH karena gue merasa gaenak sama bokap dan takut kualat/durhaka gak ngedengerin, akhirnya gue pilih deh tuh meneUI di pilihan pertama ((demi bokap, asli nekat belom belajar)) singkat cerita, pilihan seterusnya itu arsin, bisnis islam, TI paralel, biologi paralel. Dah, bayar 550.000. Nyam sekali.
Beberapa hari kemudian gue wisudaan. Ngobrol sama salah satu temen gue dan dapet info kalo ekonomi IPB itu tesnya saintek. Mendadak gue nyesel karena gak milih itu di SBMPTN dan berfikir untuk daftar baru lagi. Gue mikir keras. Sebenernya gue milih psikologi Unpad juga bener-bener cuma asal cadangan aja, nggak sesuai sama minat gue banget apalagi abis baca mata kuliahnya. Dan sebenernya gue mau ganti panlok di Bogor karena kalo dari rumah gue lebih deket dan ngelawan arah macet ketimbang harus ke Pulo Mas. Akhirnya gue ganti ekonomi IPB dan gue cari ekonomi yang paling kecil passing gradenya buat cari aman, yaitu ekonomi sumberdaya lingkungan (ESL).

Dah tuh, pengumuman. Alhamdulillah lulus di kedua tes itu. Tapi yang bikin nyesek sih dua-duanya pilihan terakhir gue, jadi kesannya kok gue nggak maksimal banget gitu..
Nah sekarang masalahnya adalah gue bingung mau pilih esl IPB atau biologi paralel UI. Gue suka sih kedua jurusan di atas tapi ada aja yang bikin gue nggak srek. Dua-duanya ada kelebihan kekurangan. Gamungkin gue banding-bandingin lah disini. Tbh gue masih pengen arsi2an, gue banget lah dan tertarik gitu kalo baca matkulnya. Dan tbh gue merasa salah banget milih mene di pilihan pertama yang notabenenya salah satu jurusan yang paling banyak peminatnya di rumpun IPS. Agak nyesel nggak tetepin tekad di arsi aja dari dulu, malah goyah. Pengen berusaha lagi sih buat arsi. Tapi gue harus kuliah taun ini... yah, mungkin emang udah digariskan kayak gini sih. Malah harusnya gue banyak bersyukur masih bisa dapet dua disaat orang lain dapet satu aja enggak..astaghfirullah... tapi memilih itu susah buat gue. Dan limit bayar UI tanggal 4. Kalo gue melewatkan tanggal itu tanpa bayar berarti fix IPB. Penentuan banget emang, dan sampe sekarang juga belum berani fix. Udah istikharah tapi belum dapet petunjuk. Ada yang bisa bantu? maafkan :"(

Sebelum pengumuman SNMPTN kemaren, gue udah persiapin mental gue kalo-kalo nggak keterima. Saking persiapannya sampe nggak bisa tidur. Kepikiran banget bakal keterima apa enggak, walaupun udah ngedoktrin diri gue sendiri, "pokoknya harus kuat apapun hasilnya."